When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
