i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
