can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
