she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
