Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
