i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
