well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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