you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
