I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
