i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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