I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
