apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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