My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
