Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
