if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
