Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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