If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
