turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
