Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
