You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize