I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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