fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize