I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Never underestimate the power of titties
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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