Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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