I wanna bring you to show and tell
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
