She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
