Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
