My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
