Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Randomize