what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
