Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize