and she was petting her beer can
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
