i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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