I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
