Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
is it fun? or sober?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
