Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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