i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
