just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize