I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
