JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
