the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
