He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
