He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
