i just wanna soil my oats bro
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
