what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
