it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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