dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
