Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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