I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
