Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
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