am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize