ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
