oh god the rape fog is back!
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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