My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize