We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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