What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
