I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize